OH SO U WANNA MAKE THE BLING RING INTO A FEATURE FILM? YEAHH??

So apparently, ‘The Bling Ring’ is being made into a big screen movie starring Emma Watson and directed by Sofia Coppola. What. 

Didn’t LMN do this already?

Is Sofia Coppola…REMAKING a Lifetime movie? 

WHAT IS LIFE

While she’s at it, why not consider some of Lifetime’s other gems for the big screen…

1. The Pregnancy Pact- BASED ON A TRUE-ISH STORY!! A group of girls decides to get preggers and raise their babies together. In a super conservative town. Which hates contraception anyway. So basically the town was asking for it but whatever. I suggest Selena Gomez in the starring role since she’s a bad girl now, starring in Spring Breakers and all, and some former Disney Channel stars who want to prove that they are ‘serious’ actors. Directed by That Lady Who Did Twilight. Please include gratuitous shots of the landscape. kthnxbye.

2. Blue Lagoon: The Awakening- This is a sequel of a sequel of a sequel (of a sequel) and is very dear to my heart as it was based in Trinidad. Never mind that they made us seem a bit careless with our tourists (I PROMISE WE AREN’T). Basically, girl and friends come here for a graduation trip, girl is convinced to break away and attend a ghetto boat party, falls off said boat while it’s being raided for drugs, guy jumps in to save her and both end up washed up on a random island conveniently filled with fruit and pretty waterfalls. I recommend Emma Stone and Liam Hemsworth for the leading roles, and we’ll get to watch Emma zing Liam with witty one liners about fruit and boats and missing their families. Woody Allen for director so we can see the characters’ internal (and slightly comedic) struggles.

3. Liz and Dick- I didn’t see this as I can’t stand the pain of Lindsay’s suffering career anymore. But whatever, remake with Lana Del Rey in her acting debut… because vintage! And directed by Baz Luhrmann because again, vintage! and shit gets crazyyy with Liz flinging breakable things about! Probably vintage things! 

4. Fifteen and Pregnant- A Lifetime gem starring Kirsten Dunst in her pre-upside down kissing days. Since she probably can’t pass for 15 anymore, I recommend my beloved Jennifer Lawrence for this…CAN YOU SAY OSCAR? Directed by Wes Anderson for a whimsy effect. 

5. A Woman Scorned- The Betty Broderick Story- This movie is the very definition of Lifetime. Woman gets cheated on, goes batshit crazy and kills her ex and his new wifey (living the dream, thought the crazy girlfriend). Meryl Streep for the lead! And Michael Bay as director because he’ll probably add a lot of entertaining, dramatic, and probably unnecessary explosions while killing the husband. 

So there, Hollywood. My fantastic suggestions. Blame Sofia Coppola for this (YOU’RE WELCOME)

Stuff to do this Halloween.

Halloween is all about death, dying and scary things like ghosts and slutty costumes. The whole going to a club and getting drunk is pretty played out. Here are some tips for having a more interesting Halloween. All are very simple and DIY. Feel free to pin them on pinterest. 

1. Get killed by a serial killer with a hook for a hand. You can fashion his hook out of aluminum and perhaps some wire. Spray paint it silver for a finished look. Proceed to a dramatic death. If you get murdered any other way, you are DOING IT WRONG.

2. Play a drinking game with your friends. Look at all the slasher films you can find. Every time it takes place in the woods, take a shot. If a couple is murdered in the middle of sex, take two shots. Finish the bottle if the only survivor is a virgin.

3. Raise the dead. Go to the closest cemetery, and perform a basic ritual involving chicken blood, a knife, a virgin and some random Latin (anything will do, as long as no one understands). You should hear the groans of the undead after a few minutes. Now, RUN. 

4. Play Ghost Hunters. Find a local haunted house and enrage the spirits by accusing them of not being real. Insulting their mothers’ reputations is also an option. You can also play with a ouija board and ‘forget’ to say goodbye. You will have a full scale ghostly riot on your hands in no time!

5. Search for all the chain emails (“If you don’t send this, YOU WILL DIE” “The girl from this story didn’t send it, and she DIED”) and test them by not sending them. If you die, then you’ve got your answer.

Have fun! xx

If life were like the movies...

…then some awesome recurring story lines would happen in real life. You know, those random scenes or stories that happen over and over to movie people and only movie people.

For instance, in every western ever made, there is always that one guy who walks into that one bar where the music stops, and everyone stares at him. I’m assuming it’s because he’s a stranger and not because he has an amazing outfit or something on his face. This has never happened in real life. Ever. Ever. Ever. No one has ever stopped the music of Shakers by simply entering.

No one.

If life were like the movies, then every time some hysterical girl chopped off her hair in a fit of rage or depression, it would actually end up looking very couture. Like Katy Perry or Halle Berry in Catwoman. However, life sucks, and over dramatic bitches usually end up with a badly zugged up hair cut.

In almost every teen movie, there is a wild party, after which the mess disappears and no one gets into trouble. That’s just an urban legend, don’t pay attention to it, kids.

In possibly one of the most imaginative and creative scenes ever, airport security allows lovelorn characters through to get to their one true love before they fly away. However, real life airport security probably won’t let you through without running a full background check, (invasive) body scan and interrogation, and will probably die laughing if you requested to catch up with your love before he or she left.

And finally, if life were like the movies, then the DNA would come back in a matter of seconds and the bad guy would be caught in an hour.

Oh fiction. You are hilarious.

Closets

Serious shit goes down in there. It’s never the kitchen, or the living room. Nuh uh. It’s ALWAYS the closet. 

Closets are the preferred liming spots for ghosts and monsters. Closet doors are always opening slowly and squeakily (no one ever oils a closet door…NO ONE) to reveal shadowy Slender man- type figures.  Ghosts never chill in dining rooms or patios. Nopes. They’re always all up in your stuff, probably smelling your clothes like a creepy ex-girlfriend. 

People keep lots of stuff in closets. Clothes, shoes, books, skeletons. Everyone has a skeleton…IN THE CLOSET. Why? Why in the closet? Why not in the bathroom? “The skeletons will come spilling out of the bathroom!”. Sounds good, why not? From this day on, all my skeletons will be stored in the bathroom. Look there, if you want to know my secrets.

Closets are also used to trap people. Just ask gay people, Harry Potter and R. Kelly. All trapped in CLOSETS. 

Closets are also known to be the entrances to magical lands, such as Narnia, and wherever Sabrina used to go. It’s pretty brilliant, if you think about it. Wanna go out? Just step into your closet!

And finally, some closets contain something more sinister and terrifying than others -certain people’s clothes. I am fairly certain that no ghost will ever venture into Snooki’s closet. It’s just too scary.

Excuse me while I shut my closet door…don’t want anything going in…or coming out.

Where? Paris. When? Midnight.

And then get your Fitzgerald on.

I cannot express how much I love Midnight in Paris. I’ve been watching it obsessively for a few weeks now, and I love it more and more each time. I want a million sequels, some prequels and a video game. Lol. 

I want to party with the Fitzgeralds, and chill with Hemingway and get Gertrude Stein to critique my essays for me. 

The idea that you could escape to another time is so appealing. Especially if that era was the 1920s- decadence with class. Imagine meeting your long dead heroes, the questions you could ask them or simply hanging with them. The present by comparison, is dull, boring, uninspiring. 

I’d want to meet Marilyn, Che, Castro, Jane Austen, Durkheim, Marx, and Freud. In the 1950s. Imagine the conversation. Imagine the HEIGHTS. Given that this set is an eclectic bunch from various eras and countries, my version will be called Midnight in Port of Spain and will take place on the avenue. 

It’s slightly depressing to know that I’m trapped in the here and now. I can never leave this time.

But I’ll do what I can to make it as beautiful as possible :).

Fifty Shades of Regret

There are few things I regret more in life than reading ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’. 

I don’t know why I did it. But I can never take it back. It’s like I killed part of myself. Part of my smart self. Here, UWI, take my degree away. I don’t deserve it anymore. 

I shamelessly judge anyone who reads this book and enjoys it. Especially anyone who does so out in public, in the open. That includes you, tourist lady on the beach in Tobago. You’ve been judged. 

For anyone who has the good fortune not to know, this…piece of…writing…chronicles the relationship and sexual encounters of a conveniently virginal and very stupid young woman and a conveniently handsome and very creepy man. Apparently, people who have never heard of porn are greatly attracted to the smut in this terrible novel. 

Not that I have anything against erotic novels. I mean, who doesn’t appreciate a bit of adult literature? But for God’s sake, at least TRY to write better than 12-year-old fangirl who hasn’t had her first kiss yet. The writing is simply awkward and repetitive. The main character keeps saying that her subconscious is talking to her. Bitch, your subconscious is silent, that’s why it’s called SUB conscious, it doesn’t talk to you. Perhaps she means her conscience or inner voice? I dunno. Also, the vocabulary appears to be limited. She expresses her surprise by saying one of the following: ‘Holy shit!’ ‘Holy cow!’ ‘Holy crap!’. We all know you aren’t a nun, so stop using ‘holy’ so much please.

It came as no surprise that it started off as a Twilight fanfiction, and was later edited to stand on its own. Somewhat. I never thought anyone would rip off anything from Twilight and be successful, but there you are. 

Sorry, Stephanie Meyer, you are no longer the author of the worst novel ever.

Annoying people and how to identify them

I made terrible mistakes in my past.

I made friends with...annoying people.

I didn't know! I didn't know they would be so annoying!

I DIDN'T KNOW GOD DAMMIT!

I'm trapped with them...forever.

But here is how you can identify these people and run.

Run far away.

1. The Social Climber- So you have a nice circle of friends, everyone's awesome, random new comers here and there. Normel. BUT WAIT! WHAT'S THIS? Someone seems to be adding all your friends on the social networks! They're everywhere! Commenting on photos, 'liking' wall posts...surely, it's someone everyone knows right? WRONG! This here, good reader, is a Social Climber- a sub-human species that attempts to befriend all 'da kewl pplzzz'. Beware. They appear normal at first, but their annoying qualities make themselves known when they become comfortable. By that time, it's too late. You're already friends.

2. The Flatterer- This person seems soooo niceee. LIKE OMG. They ALWAYS tell you how good you look. Or how smart you are. They LOVE all your pictures on Facebook. They think your dog is a GENIUS. OH EM GEE. And why shouldn't they? You are lovely to behold, you're pretty brilliant and Sparky really is the canine Einstein. But what about that day you know you aren't looking that good? Why is he/she telling you Angelina Jolie would be jelly? Something doesn't quite fit. This person is a compulsive flatterer. Almost everything they say, true or not, is a compliment. And yes, that is nice. For about five minutes. And if they can lie about your greasy hair looking fab, then what else can they lie about? RUN.

3.The Toter- This poor kid seems to be so unlucky. Something bad is always happening to them. They encounter bitchy girls EVERYWHERE, their friends are AWFUL people because they didn't invite them to that party, haters gonna HATE... This annoying person totes feelings about EVERYTHING. Every status, every link posted, every comment, and every real life conversation alludes to the misfortunes they experience. These are hardly ever genuine problems and are simply exaggerated. Unless you want to end up being Dr Phil for this drama queen, get up and go. NOW.

4. The Lonely Hearts Club- These guys and girls are just looking for love. Everywhere. And they are not ashamed or discreet about it. 'AH WANT AH MAN' or 'TIME TO GET AH GYUL' are normal things to be seen on their profiles. In real life, they can be seen talking to any good looking member of their chosen sex. They'll tackle him, her, your ex, your ex's ex, people with girlfriends, people with boyfriends, people engaged to be married, people who ARE married...hey, once it's breathing, it's game! These desperate people are ones to stay away from unless you want to play matchmaker.

5. The Attention Whore- They are addicts, and attention is the drug of choice. They'll do anything, from post about their periods, how many girls they banged (This is not 'How I Met Your Mother' and you are not Barney Stinson. Stop that) to tweeting about everything. I do mean everything... *Going to the bathroom. Taking a shit. Right now. LOLOLOL*. And then there are the ones who are convinced your innocent youtube link to a clip from 'My Little Pony' has something against women's rights, and they argue passionately about it. Everything is about them and against their extremely strong views. If you haven't the guts for the TMI or energy to argue, I suggest you ignore. And they'll go away.

Now get your running shoes and...ready...set...GO!