Stuff to do this Halloween.

Halloween is all about death, dying and scary things like ghosts and slutty costumes. The whole going to a club and getting drunk is pretty played out. Here are some tips for having a more interesting Halloween. All are very simple and DIY. Feel free to pin them on pinterest. 

1. Get killed by a serial killer with a hook for a hand. You can fashion his hook out of aluminum and perhaps some wire. Spray paint it silver for a finished look. Proceed to a dramatic death. If you get murdered any other way, you are DOING IT WRONG.

2. Play a drinking game with your friends. Look at all the slasher films you can find. Every time it takes place in the woods, take a shot. If a couple is murdered in the middle of sex, take two shots. Finish the bottle if the only survivor is a virgin.

3. Raise the dead. Go to the closest cemetery, and perform a basic ritual involving chicken blood, a knife, a virgin and some random Latin (anything will do, as long as no one understands). You should hear the groans of the undead after a few minutes. Now, RUN. 

4. Play Ghost Hunters. Find a local haunted house and enrage the spirits by accusing them of not being real. Insulting their mothers’ reputations is also an option. You can also play with a ouija board and ‘forget’ to say goodbye. You will have a full scale ghostly riot on your hands in no time!

5. Search for all the chain emails (“If you don’t send this, YOU WILL DIE” “The girl from this story didn’t send it, and she DIED”) and test them by not sending them. If you die, then you’ve got your answer.

Have fun! xx

Closets

Serious shit goes down in there. It’s never the kitchen, or the living room. Nuh uh. It’s ALWAYS the closet. 

Closets are the preferred liming spots for ghosts and monsters. Closet doors are always opening slowly and squeakily (no one ever oils a closet door…NO ONE) to reveal shadowy Slender man- type figures.  Ghosts never chill in dining rooms or patios. Nopes. They’re always all up in your stuff, probably smelling your clothes like a creepy ex-girlfriend. 

People keep lots of stuff in closets. Clothes, shoes, books, skeletons. Everyone has a skeleton…IN THE CLOSET. Why? Why in the closet? Why not in the bathroom? “The skeletons will come spilling out of the bathroom!”. Sounds good, why not? From this day on, all my skeletons will be stored in the bathroom. Look there, if you want to know my secrets.

Closets are also used to trap people. Just ask gay people, Harry Potter and R. Kelly. All trapped in CLOSETS. 

Closets are also known to be the entrances to magical lands, such as Narnia, and wherever Sabrina used to go. It’s pretty brilliant, if you think about it. Wanna go out? Just step into your closet!

And finally, some closets contain something more sinister and terrifying than others -certain people’s clothes. I am fairly certain that no ghost will ever venture into Snooki’s closet. It’s just too scary.

Excuse me while I shut my closet door…don’t want anything going in…or coming out.

5 everyday occurrences that can easily be explained by supernatural phenomenon

It is often said that the simplest explanation is usually the right one. I do not subscribe to this school of thought. It is boring. And lame. I don’t do lame. I do awesome. And unreasonable. :D

1. Tangled headphones- So your day is going awesome, and you have some free time to take in a few tunes (Friday perhaps?) and you reach for your headphones…and they are irrevocably tied in the most complicated knot in the history of knots. WTF. There is NO reasonable explanation for this. It is obvious that this is the work of Satan. Yes. Satan tangles our headphones when we aren’t looking. It’s all a part of his master plan to take our souls. That sneaky bastard.

2. Slamming Doors- It is not the wind. Your house is haunted. Possibly by the ghost of an unruly teenager who persists in slamming doors in the afterlife.

3. Disappearance of Food- A bar of chocolate. A piece of chicken. Some pasta. It could be anything. But it just disappears…POOF. Where did it go? You might blame your younger sibling, or a parent. BUT THEY ARE INNOCENT. Scientists have recently discovered that small black holes (think ‘Star Trek’) are opening up in refrigerators and cupboards and swallowing desirable food items. Your food is in the future. Or space.

4. Malfunctioning Machines- Washing machine shaking too hard. Toaster ejecting bread several feet in the air. Television refusing to turn on. These are not merely appliances getting old. These are POSSESSED. By DEMONS. To drive you INSANE. And it works. Yes, it does.

5. Objects mysteriously moved/lost- Lost your keys? Handbag moved from one room to another? Your memory is not failing. No one is interfering with your things. It is a Poltergeist. Existing only to make mischief, these horrid creatures will irritate you to death. And there’s not a thing you can do about it.

God help us all.