Elevators- they take us higher, they bring us down. We can't live without them. If they didn't exist, we would have A LOT of walking to do. But sometimes, being trapped in a little metal box does not end well for the parties involved.
Awkward Moments May Occur.
1. That awkward moment when there are just two people in an elevator. What do you do? Bond? Make friends? Stare at each other? Usually you end up staring at whatever is in your hands. If you aren't holding anything, you usually end up staring at your hands (OOHHH....FINGERS!). The best thing to do is give the Nod of greeting, and hope your fellow elevator passenger doesn't wish to make conversation.
2. That awkward moment when someone you don't like is also on the elevator. You are trapped in a small metal box. This is your chance! Kill them!! I'm just kidding (or am I?). Whatever happens, DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT. Even if the cables snap and the elevator is plummeting to the bottom at an impossible speed, do NOT make eye contact with that person.
3. That awkward moment when the elevator is extremely full. You can squeeze in, hold your breath and count the seconds till you get off. Or you can do the Elevator Walk of Shame and let that one go.
4. That awkward moment when there is a Kissing Couple on the elevator. The Kissing Couple is a peculiar species of human. If it is not bothered, it will continue Kissing peacefully. If harassed, however, it will become very angry and possible attack the harasser. Be silent around these creatures.
5. That awkward moment when the elevator is stuck and you are trapped. There is only one thing to do here: SCREAM FOR HELP HIT THE EMERGENCY BUTTON OVER AND OVER AND OVER SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM. That is all.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Sunday, September 11, 2011
UWI- The Sinister Plot
UWI. The University of the West Indies. A seemingly productive institute of education. A place where people of all ages, races, and walks of life go to learn and share ideas.
OR IS IT?
Is it something far more sinister? Perhaps…a place set out to frustrate you and lead you to your eventual DEMISE?
UWI seems to have employed the Survival of the Fittest theory. Only the strongest will get out alive.
Here are some ways in which this place will try to kill you. Read and take note, dear student.
1. Heart attacks- during your years at UWI, you will experience several mini heart attacks caused by the shock of seeing unexpected grades posted. Imagine anticipating an ‘A’ and seeing an ‘F’ instead. It is enough to send someone into a panic attack, severe depression and eventual DEATH. Figuratively speaking, of course. Have your lecturers on speed dial and sharpen your pleading skills. Turn that 39 into a 40!
2. Drowning- This place will attempt to kill you in the flood waters that arise during the rainy season. Learn to swim. And buy anti-bacterial soap.
3. Heatstroke- Hot? Looking for relief? Don’t go to the food court. The lack of AC might just kill you…Wear as little as possible. Especially if you have a six pack ;).
4. Frostbite- On the other hand, the chill of some class rooms may result in freezing to death. Walk with coat, gloves and winter boots.
5. Starvation- Those of you who survive the intense heat of the food court may very well perish in the long lines at KFC and Subway. Walk with lunch OR go at non peak hours.
If, after all of this, you can escape and walk away with a degree, then I applaud you.
Good luck surviving.
OR IS IT?
Is it something far more sinister? Perhaps…a place set out to frustrate you and lead you to your eventual DEMISE?
UWI seems to have employed the Survival of the Fittest theory. Only the strongest will get out alive.
Here are some ways in which this place will try to kill you. Read and take note, dear student.
1. Heart attacks- during your years at UWI, you will experience several mini heart attacks caused by the shock of seeing unexpected grades posted. Imagine anticipating an ‘A’ and seeing an ‘F’ instead. It is enough to send someone into a panic attack, severe depression and eventual DEATH. Figuratively speaking, of course. Have your lecturers on speed dial and sharpen your pleading skills. Turn that 39 into a 40!
2. Drowning- This place will attempt to kill you in the flood waters that arise during the rainy season. Learn to swim. And buy anti-bacterial soap.
3. Heatstroke- Hot? Looking for relief? Don’t go to the food court. The lack of AC might just kill you…Wear as little as possible. Especially if you have a six pack ;).
4. Frostbite- On the other hand, the chill of some class rooms may result in freezing to death. Walk with coat, gloves and winter boots.
5. Starvation- Those of you who survive the intense heat of the food court may very well perish in the long lines at KFC and Subway. Walk with lunch OR go at non peak hours.
If, after all of this, you can escape and walk away with a degree, then I applaud you.
Good luck surviving.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Dry Season Madness
Dry season.
That time of year when the sun shines and the breeze blows. The nights are cool, the beach beckons and everything just seems PERFECT.
Is it any wonder that everyone goes a little mad this time of year? Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed the subtle madness amongst your friends. Strange, out-of-character behaviour? Unexpected and unpredictable outbursts? Random singing of irritatingly cute love songs? Changing clothing/friends/sleep patterns/music/films/style/food?
If the answer to any of these is yes, then you are witnessing the effects of Dry Season Madness (also referred to as Spring Fever in temperate countries). This is a phenomenon occurring during the months January to May, whereby individuals act/behave in unexpected/irregular ways especially in, but not limited to, the area of love.
Suddenly, everyone is finding someone. If they haven’t found someone, they’re looking. If they aren’t looking, they’re already fixing up the wedding. The idea of being in a relationship (dun dun DUNNNNN) is no longer so objectionable.
Perhaps it is the proximity of Valentine’s Day to this time of year. Too far away to still be depressed about being single, but close enough to still want loveeee.
Maybe it is the pleasant weather. Breezy, sunny days that make you think of the beach and every vacation romcom ever made, is enough to put you in a disgustingly good mood.
Of course, nothing lasts forever, and the dry season is no different. Moods will darken with the coming rainy season. Now, all those little quirks you thought were so cute in your significant other (whom you picked up in the Dry Season) begin to grate on your nerves. You begin to pick fights. Fantasize about being single. Tote on facebook (much to the joy of macos like me).
Dry Season Madness makes for excellent Rainy Season Angst.
So remember kids, be careful of what (and who) you do during the Dry Season…because it will come back to haunt you in the rainy season.
That time of year when the sun shines and the breeze blows. The nights are cool, the beach beckons and everything just seems PERFECT.
Is it any wonder that everyone goes a little mad this time of year? Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed the subtle madness amongst your friends. Strange, out-of-character behaviour? Unexpected and unpredictable outbursts? Random singing of irritatingly cute love songs? Changing clothing/friends/sleep patterns/music/films/style/food?
If the answer to any of these is yes, then you are witnessing the effects of Dry Season Madness (also referred to as Spring Fever in temperate countries). This is a phenomenon occurring during the months January to May, whereby individuals act/behave in unexpected/irregular ways especially in, but not limited to, the area of love.
Suddenly, everyone is finding someone. If they haven’t found someone, they’re looking. If they aren’t looking, they’re already fixing up the wedding. The idea of being in a relationship (dun dun DUNNNNN) is no longer so objectionable.
Perhaps it is the proximity of Valentine’s Day to this time of year. Too far away to still be depressed about being single, but close enough to still want loveeee.
Maybe it is the pleasant weather. Breezy, sunny days that make you think of the beach and every vacation romcom ever made, is enough to put you in a disgustingly good mood.
Of course, nothing lasts forever, and the dry season is no different. Moods will darken with the coming rainy season. Now, all those little quirks you thought were so cute in your significant other (whom you picked up in the Dry Season) begin to grate on your nerves. You begin to pick fights. Fantasize about being single. Tote on facebook (much to the joy of macos like me).
Dry Season Madness makes for excellent Rainy Season Angst.
So remember kids, be careful of what (and who) you do during the Dry Season…because it will come back to haunt you in the rainy season.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
5 everyday occurrences that can easily be explained by supernatural phenomenon
It is often said that the simplest explanation is usually the right one. I do not subscribe to this school of thought. It is boring. And lame. I don’t do lame. I do awesome. And unreasonable. :D
1. Tangled headphones- So your day is going awesome, and you have some free time to take in a few tunes (Friday perhaps?) and you reach for your headphones…and they are irrevocably tied in the most complicated knot in the history of knots. WTF. There is NO reasonable explanation for this. It is obvious that this is the work of Satan. Yes. Satan tangles our headphones when we aren’t looking. It’s all a part of his master plan to take our souls. That sneaky bastard.
2. Slamming Doors- It is not the wind. Your house is haunted. Possibly by the ghost of an unruly teenager who persists in slamming doors in the afterlife.
3. Disappearance of Food- A bar of chocolate. A piece of chicken. Some pasta. It could be anything. But it just disappears…POOF. Where did it go? You might blame your younger sibling, or a parent. BUT THEY ARE INNOCENT. Scientists have recently discovered that small black holes (think ‘Star Trek’) are opening up in refrigerators and cupboards and swallowing desirable food items. Your food is in the future. Or space.
4. Malfunctioning Machines- Washing machine shaking too hard. Toaster ejecting bread several feet in the air. Television refusing to turn on. These are not merely appliances getting old. These are POSSESSED. By DEMONS. To drive you INSANE. And it works. Yes, it does.
5. Objects mysteriously moved/lost- Lost your keys? Handbag moved from one room to another? Your memory is not failing. No one is interfering with your things. It is a Poltergeist. Existing only to make mischief, these horrid creatures will irritate you to death. And there’s not a thing you can do about it.
God help us all.
1. Tangled headphones- So your day is going awesome, and you have some free time to take in a few tunes (Friday perhaps?) and you reach for your headphones…and they are irrevocably tied in the most complicated knot in the history of knots. WTF. There is NO reasonable explanation for this. It is obvious that this is the work of Satan. Yes. Satan tangles our headphones when we aren’t looking. It’s all a part of his master plan to take our souls. That sneaky bastard.
2. Slamming Doors- It is not the wind. Your house is haunted. Possibly by the ghost of an unruly teenager who persists in slamming doors in the afterlife.
3. Disappearance of Food- A bar of chocolate. A piece of chicken. Some pasta. It could be anything. But it just disappears…POOF. Where did it go? You might blame your younger sibling, or a parent. BUT THEY ARE INNOCENT. Scientists have recently discovered that small black holes (think ‘Star Trek’) are opening up in refrigerators and cupboards and swallowing desirable food items. Your food is in the future. Or space.
4. Malfunctioning Machines- Washing machine shaking too hard. Toaster ejecting bread several feet in the air. Television refusing to turn on. These are not merely appliances getting old. These are POSSESSED. By DEMONS. To drive you INSANE. And it works. Yes, it does.
5. Objects mysteriously moved/lost- Lost your keys? Handbag moved from one room to another? Your memory is not failing. No one is interfering with your things. It is a Poltergeist. Existing only to make mischief, these horrid creatures will irritate you to death. And there’s not a thing you can do about it.
God help us all.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Friday
Rebecca Black
Friday.
Who is she?
What does it mean?
Perhaps the song intends to highlight some important societal issues. For instance, the absence of a verb in the statement “We so excited” could be emphasising the poor education system. She may also be rebelling against the proper grammar inflicted upon her by her elders. Verbs are evil. We must leave them out!
But she does emphasize the importance of knowing the days of the week. I never knew that Thursday came before Friday and that Saturday and Sunday followed. Thank you Rebecca. You have done the world a great service.
The video shows her and her friends driving and partying. Now, when I was 12 I do not recall being allowed to drive or party. She is clearly stating that she has the coolest parents, and others ought to let their underaged children do the same. She is fighting for the rights of children to partayyyy!
The random black rapper is clearly a pedophile or drug dealer. Just part of the smallie party scene.
‘Friday’ also shows the difficult decisions teens have to make on a daily basis. Bus? Or friend’s convertible? Front seat? Or back seat? FRONT SEAT???? Or BACK SEAT??? WHERE SHOULD SHE SIT????
Obviously, this song is not perfect. She neglects Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. We can only hope that these will be covered in her next highly anticipated single.
Who is she though? No one seems to know. It is quite possible that she is the wicked spawn of Ke$ha and Justin Bieber, heralding the end of times.
She may also be a robot. (Her heavy autotuning is a dead giveaway).
Rebecca Black may also be an evil genius, using subliminal messaging and social networking sites to take over the world.
It is also possible that she is Satan. Rebecca Black. Sings a song entitled Friday. Friday being the unlucky day of the week. Black being an unlucky colour.
Black Friday.
OH EM GEE
The end is near.
Friday.
Who is she?
What does it mean?
Perhaps the song intends to highlight some important societal issues. For instance, the absence of a verb in the statement “We so excited” could be emphasising the poor education system. She may also be rebelling against the proper grammar inflicted upon her by her elders. Verbs are evil. We must leave them out!
But she does emphasize the importance of knowing the days of the week. I never knew that Thursday came before Friday and that Saturday and Sunday followed. Thank you Rebecca. You have done the world a great service.
The video shows her and her friends driving and partying. Now, when I was 12 I do not recall being allowed to drive or party. She is clearly stating that she has the coolest parents, and others ought to let their underaged children do the same. She is fighting for the rights of children to partayyyy!
The random black rapper is clearly a pedophile or drug dealer. Just part of the smallie party scene.
‘Friday’ also shows the difficult decisions teens have to make on a daily basis. Bus? Or friend’s convertible? Front seat? Or back seat? FRONT SEAT???? Or BACK SEAT??? WHERE SHOULD SHE SIT????
Obviously, this song is not perfect. She neglects Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. We can only hope that these will be covered in her next highly anticipated single.
Who is she though? No one seems to know. It is quite possible that she is the wicked spawn of Ke$ha and Justin Bieber, heralding the end of times.
She may also be a robot. (Her heavy autotuning is a dead giveaway).
Rebecca Black may also be an evil genius, using subliminal messaging and social networking sites to take over the world.
It is also possible that she is Satan. Rebecca Black. Sings a song entitled Friday. Friday being the unlucky day of the week. Black being an unlucky colour.
Black Friday.
OH EM GEE
The end is near.
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